THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN YOU AND A PORN STAR

TURNS OUT PORN ISN'T REAL LIFE...

Hey, you, come here.

I want to let you in on a little trade secret. This is probably going to blow your tiny mind, so you might want to sit down.

So here’s the DL: Pornography – those videos you watch while the wife or girlfriend (or both) are out of town or in bed – they’re not real life.

I know, you must be shattered. But realistically, during those late nights spent indulging yourself to videos of “Horny Housewives”, “Naughty Neighbours” and “Big-Breasted Babysitters” you must have cottoned on. The naughtiest your neighbours get is forgetting to return the lawnmower, your babysitter is a pimply-faced 14-year-old kid from down the road and your wife… well.

But look, I don’t want you to take my word for it alone. I have the science to back this up.

Dr Felix, an online pharmacy based in the UK, did a study that focused on the physical attributes of porn stars and how they differ wildly from the average person. They took information from data journalist Jon Milward’s study of 10,000 porn stars to illustrate the vast differences between these superhuman models of sexual perfection and us beer-bellied, stretch-marked lesser beings who sit on the other side of the screen.

The findings show that the average woman featured in porn has a 24” waist, 34” hips and a height of 5’5”. At the same time, the average American woman is 5’4” tall, has a waist of 34” and 42” hips. The average female porn performer will be 22 to 25 years old and weigh 53 kg, while her real-life counterpart is 39 and weighs 76 kg.

On the male side of things, the average porn performer will be 12 to eight years younger than his real-life counterpart, an inch taller and just under 30 lbs lighter. It’s in the realm of sexual partners that the most significant difference arises, with the porn performer having 45 sexual partners every year, compared to six in a lifetime for the real-life man.

Interestingly enough, and perhaps mostly as an act of generosity, Dr Felix didn’t pull out the stats on male porn stars’ endowments and compare them to the average male. Thanks, mate.

Back on the female front, and this probably comes as no surprise, blondes are a lot more common in the pornscape, where every secretary, teacher, babysitter and best friend’s mum is a generously proportioned blonde looking to get you into the sack. In the mundane, non-pornographic world, your best friend’s mum has bingo wings, the secretary doesn’t even know your name and all your teachers stopped caring about their appearance some time during Ronald Reagan’s presidency. The upshot of our apparent obsession with blonde hair is around a third (32.7 percent) of all female porn stars are blonde, while in real-life they make up only 11.7 percent of the American female population. Almost none of these women, in real life or the pornscape, are actual blondes, though. But don’t say anything – they think we don’t know.

The next stat is more of a “did you know” one. Something to pull out at your next family gathering – so long as you’re happy not seeing your family again for a while. When that awkward hush falls over the Christmas table, and you’re scouring your mind looking for something clever to say, remember that 42 percent of female porn performers have tattoos, which is compared with 22 percent of real-life women. Shocking, I know. Not nearly as shocking as when your grandmother counters this with her own fact – that real-life men have more tattoos than their porn counterparts, 26 percent versus 24.4 percent. 

The last one we have for you falls into the no-shit-Sherlock category: 62 percent of women in pornography perform anal sex, while 37 percent of women do this in reality. And only on your birthday.

The take-home message? According to Tamsin Nicholson, data scientist, “We think it’s important to highlight the divergence of pornography from reality. We understand that people want to watch it – that’s perfectly normal. But what isn’t so good is seeing a form of entertainment and believing it’s something to match.

“The average man and woman are very different from their porn counterparts, and it’s important to embrace and enjoy the experiences you have. The key is to do what feels good for you and your partner, and not worry about matching standards that aren’t real in the first place.”

So, she’s not Riley Reid and you’re not Ron Jeremy (except for the bad facial hair and beer gut, of course). So what? Sex is more fun when there’s no pressure or expectations to be or look a certain way. Besides, it’s probably time you ditched the Brazzers fantasy and went and got yourself some bingo wings anyway, right?